Confessions of a Lifeguard: a treatise on practical magick in the poolside life assurance industry

Lifeguarding as a practice of magick is an ancient art with roots dating back to the early Mayans. The goal, essentially, is to create an injury-free atmosphere in every respect while appearing to exert little or no influence upon the pool deck. "Appearing" is the kicker here, as the Initiate well knows. It is in fact a very active and laborious process, not fit for your average wiccan dabbler or uninspired Crowleytian. Obviously, this is a white magick, one of the few philanthropic arts left on the planet.
The Will is directed to avoid the occurance of injury. At the same time, one is interfering with the Will of the pool deck at large and over-riding it with one's own Will. This is the manifestation of Abraxas. Can guarding someone's life in fact be guarding them from life? Perhaps that child had to run and do a flip into the pool. Perhaps his karmic alignment depended on it. Could he now be doomed to another thity-seven lifetimes on this planet because of the Lifeguards kind admonishions? Questions like these are a staple of the novice Lifeguard's formitive and unestablished concept of Authority.
The Lifeguard is Always Right.

As with any instance of ceremonial direction of will-power, attire is crucial. The first step is a good set of Shades. The Shades are an imperative feature of the lifeguards ensemble, and the easiest to acquire. The foremost role of the Shades is the most holy form of white magick known to modern man. Bringing out the Sun! Come rain or clouds, dawn the Shades. By the simple act of wearing the Shades when there is no apparent reason for them, aka Sun, a Probability Vaccume spontaneously opens up in the immediate area, sucking the clouds into a self-imploding singularity and exposing the glorious Sun for all to bask beneath. Aha! Never under-estimate the power of blind optimism. The next level of Sun invocation involves the Big Straw Hat. Slightly more difficult to master, the Big Straw Hat is an excellent conductor for the Probability Vaccume. The ultimate mastery of this avenue of Lifeguard magick is the White Stripe of sunscreen on the nose. The White Stripe is highly effective, however, very difficult to contain. Whole rain forests have been reduced to arid wasteland by the careless misuse of White Stripe on the part of the over-ambitious Novice. Leave White Stripe alone until the time is right...you will know!

There is a darker side to the Shades. It is in the nature of big mirrored aviator Shades to imply Authority. I.E. Cool Hand Luke, The Terminator, etc. A good pair of one-way shades acts in a similar fashion to the mirrored domes on the ceiling at your local K-mart, which conceal the direction in which the security camera is looking. They create Uncertainty, and thus, Fear. Again, the Novice may find this a dirty trick, but the Novice knows not. Suddenly, Everybody is suspect! Running incidents are immediately reduced to half when the Shades go on. Nobody would dare sit on the fountain when Shades are on patrol! The power of Shades also gives rise to a very important skill on the deck. Tractor Beam Eye. This happens after one notices all children reducing that giddy run to an inspired walk, even if you aren't looking at them...they don't know that! Tractor Beam Eye is the inverse phoenomena. Just by looking at the careless poolside runner, their run immediately becomes a trot, even if they don't know you're watching. Of course, this can be quite a startling realization to the unknowing Lifeguard that considers his work nothing more than Mundane and Degrading. In fact, Tractor Beam Eye is usually the first thing to spark the Lifeguard's intrigue at the potential of poolside magick. As effective if not more so than Accusation Finger, Tractor Beam Eye lacks any logical explanation what-so-ever, and thus illuminiates the Novice Lifeguard with the knowledge of his own powers.

To go any further into the inner-workings of Lifeguard magick would be a breach of the Ordero Templi Lifeguardus oath that all Initiates have sworn upon themselves.

A parting word of advice; Avoid the whistle!
Not only is it crass and uncouth, but it is a crutch that will keep the potential Initiate from progressing even as far as Accusation Finger. Lord knows where I would be today had I not cast off my own whistle long ago.

Go forth now.